How I gained and lost 25kg. And then put some on again.

After smashing on 10kg when I was 12 and then another 10 kilo when I was 13, I was horrified with my reflection. I spent the next few years of teenager-hood depriving myself during the school week and then bingeing on Friday night. A whole packet of Caramel Crowns and I were good friends. My giant butt and I were not good friends. The boys at school used to call me stumps.

When I was 15 I started to explore my spirituality. I did a magic spell to lose weight. It involved chopping up bay leaves into little tiny pieces, breathing my intention to lose weight over them, and blowing them to the four corners. Afterwards I went inside and fixed myself some toast, like usual, with Grandpas homemade Jam. I had a bite, and for the first time, realised I wasn’t hungry enough to finish it. I learnt how to tune into by body and listen. I could taste the density of all foods I made and whether or not my body needed it or not. Every bite of a chocolate bar tasted like fatty calories, and white rice felt, well, empty.

Thats me in the white, age 16, 75kg

My eating habits changed. I started to eat regular sensible meals. I was still tortured by my heavyset body, and longed for a boy to find me attractive. Slowly though, with sensible and natural eating I had lost 10kg or so by the time I turned 17 and when I turned 18, I had lost the other 10. I was 162cm and 53kg. In the end the weightless was pretty much effortless.. I hadn’t even kept a regular exercise routine. I had been walking long distances pretty much daily as I didn’t yet have a license. God bless 17 year old metabolism! Plenty of boys found me attractive.

The next 6 years after leaving high school were a breeze - well in the weight control sense anyway.

On an 18 year old roadtrip wth my bestie Kat

This entire time my relationship with food was effortless and I remained slight, though I must say being a cigarette smoking vegan might have had something to do with it. A bad habit I’m grateful to see the end of.

Age 22 at Yallingup, 54kg

I moved to Perth with my boyfriend. Andrew and I adopted a puppy-child named Jim, and we lived a very happy little family life. I was thrilled to fulfill my call to massage by studying Shiatsu Therapy during the evenings,  as I worked an office job to pay the rent. Andy and I married in Lorne Victoria (near my place of birth). The day was perfect. I had no body hang-ups and in fact, I had consciously tried to put on a little weight before the wedding so my boobs would look good in my dress . This plan went out the window when I pretty much forgot to eat for the week prior to the big day, running on adrenaline.

Andy and Me on our honeymoon in NZ

Something changed after the wedding. I was 24, suffocating in my corporate job and eager to study for a career that I actually wanted. My husband was at a crossroads in his professional life, and on the verge of setting up his own business…but not sure if that was what he really wanted at the time. Things were uncertain. You know, they say the first year of marriage is the hardest, and I began to diet.

I wasn’t even overweight by any measure, but I could definitely be thinner, and I absolutely hated my legs, chubby little legs that they are (I say that with love). I severely restricted calories and would sit on the bus hungry and miserable comparing myself with all the girls on St Georges Terrace.

Then one day, I got sick of being hungry and just started to eat again. This was the first yo yo of my twenties. Loving being a new wife, I developed a huge love of cooking and especially baking. Within a few months I’d regained all weight I had shed earlier and added on a kg or two. I’d started an exercise routine, jogging in the park and on the beach with my dog. But even with the exercise I still put on weight. The running made me hungrier and served as a mental excuse to eat more then usual. This kind of behaviour went on for a few years, my diets, though healthy and nutritionally sound, were coupled with extreme sessions at the gym and calorie counting. I’d successfully get into my skinny jeans and celebrate regularly with champagne and raw desserts....continuously for several months. Whoops now the jeans don't fit, and I'd actually put on a little extra. Repeat.

Everything changed in the weeks leading up to my 29th birthday. I was ridiculously fit, and time-consumingly counting every calorie. I'd lost 5kg within the previous two months and should have been feeling amazing. Suddenly a horrible and nightmarish trauma for my family back at home and a separate personal trauma for me in Perth hit in the same week, and on the cusp of leaving my security blanket job. I was shocked, devastated and gutted all at the same time. I realised I had been chasing a grueling illusion. A banging bod doesn't solve all your problems. My hot bod wasn't going to make my life awesome, it's just a hot bod. Sure, it helps, but it certainly doesn't make you happy.

The months following my gym attendance ...just....dropped....off. I had been a get-up-a-5.30-and-go-every-morning kind of girl. I used to proudly declare I would work out two hours a day if I had the time, but I just didn't care anymore. The motivation was gone. I started yoga, and enjoying leisurely walks rather then runs. I ate whatever I felt like, I put on 8kg.

It's been nearly 16 months since that traumatic December. At first, when my exercise motivation stopped, I thought it would come back "I'll get back into it," but then days, turned into weeks, turned into months, turned into a year.  Though there have been a few moments when I felt bigger then I wanted to be, I feel I've slowly made peace with my pants. Maybe its helped by my age, 30 now, maybe by the security in my romantic relationship, but if anything good came out of that traumatic time in my life it's that I now have a new kind of body comfort, a healthy, curvy, feminine shaped body comfort that won't compare myself to others or stress over not looking like Miranda Kerr. It feels cruisy, easy, free,  just how I like it.

I've actually been revisiting the gym recently, out of a want to maintain muscle mass, enhance my circulation, clear my mind and keep my skin young. There's no guilt for missing a day, or even for leaving early. I'm giving myself some loving kindness, and my resultant peace of mind speaks volumes.

You are absolutely gorgeous, no matter what your size, and you completely deserve some loving kindness too. Love the one you're with.. ....I'm talking about your body honey!. If you feel drawn to chat with a professional about your body love goals, don't hesitate to drop me a line or pick up the phone.

Happy Avocados and Mega Melons

Love Lib

Me, being curvy, 63kg

My wonderful reiki-healing friend Anyes and I on on my 30th birthday